Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
I just forgot I was standing up.
I know her cup size but not her name....
Randomize
