you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
