I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
