he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
