She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Randomize
