Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
