Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
Maybe he injected his testicle?
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Randomize
