I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
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