i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
