The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
