I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize
