need another drink. this is the easiest way
So how Liz Lemon is this? I bring a boy home, we get in bed, and I realize there's a lean pocket wrapper in the sheets.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
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