If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
well most of my day revolves around power hour
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize
