Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
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