1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Randomize
