why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
How would you go about getting a hold of the country star that you slept with and are now potentially pregnant with their baby...?
myspace Music?
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
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