This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
