Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Randomize
