If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Randomize
