Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
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