I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
he's single and there are thong briefs.
Randomize
