Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Randomize
