Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
