omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I didn't know that people actually queef. Is this a real thing?
I believe so, yes.
Would you be offended if I asked if it has happened to you?
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
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