woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
