I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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