So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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