you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Randomize
