I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Randomize
