If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
This toilet bowl is my home.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
