I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Randomize
