Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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