OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
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