: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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