Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Randomize
