I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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