At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
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