why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
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