He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Less talking, more tequila
Houston, we have a blender
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Randomize
