we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Randomize
