The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
Randomize
