Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Randomize
