i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
