thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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