I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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