quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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