When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
