Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
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