this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
