i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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