why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Randomize
