Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
