I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
zippers are such a cool invention
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
My liver just had a heart attack.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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