My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Randomize