Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Randomize
