If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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