..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
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