she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
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