I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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