I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I'm sorry, but there's just something about mesh over nipples that irks me.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
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