So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Randomize
