I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Even my vagina gasped.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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