Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
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