Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
