but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
