Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
